Guilt
by Thelma77
Summary: Post Undercover by a few months. How Fin, Elliot and Olivia are dealing with their various roles.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer….not mine.

AN…. First fiction piece and I have absolutely no beta so I apologise, all mistakes are mine. I'm also British which might explain a few things lol. Might be a one shot, not sure yet. Please let me know what you think. Thanks Thelma.

GUILT

Olivia closed her eyes and sank back onto the pillows. She stretched out her aching muscles and snuggled further down onto the bed. She could feel the tension leave her body as she breathed in the subtle fragrance of rose that lingered in her sheets from the laundry. It was only 9 O'clock but after the week she'd just had an early night was just what she needed. An entire weekend off. She wasn't on call, she had no plans, no reason to set an alarm. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she been able to relax like this.

She opened her eyes and rolled onto her back. She stared around the walls of her bedroom. Maybe this weekend she'd do some redecorating. Ever since her return from Oregon she been planning on a change. It hadn't felt like home, and maybe all it needed was a lick of paint, change of colour. For over ten years it hadn't changed much. It had never before bothered her but suddenly the room seemed too dark. Eyes darting around on the darkness Olivia could feel the now familiar sense of dread starting to creep up on her She quickly reached over and switched on a lamp. Breathing deeply she sat up and put her head in her hands. She rubbed at her temples as if that would dispel the images in there.

In her line of work she thought she'd had to deal with all the worst humanity had to offer and although it had affected her never to the degree here she felt scared for herself. She wasn't a victim. She was a cop. But then she went undercover at Seal view and things had changed. It had taken a few weeks until the reality of the situation had sunk in. She had almost died. She'd been resigned to this fact ever since becoming coming a cop, in the line of duty it you have to prepare yourself for that. But it wasn't that that was affecting her, she had almost been raped. All the years and she never thought that would happen to her. She was Olivia Benson, she was strong, she could take down a man twice her size and not break into a sweat. But she'd been beaten, beaten by a weak little man who needed to control women because they were weaker than him. But she shouldn't have been. She was trained for this. But she'd been restrained. She should never let herself get into that situation. She'd trusted him. She'd let her guard down. So he'd helped her wasn't the first true of betrayal to get the other person to trust you. How could she have been so stupid. He'd picked her, out of everyone. Did he see something in her that she couldn't see. Did he see a victim. Did he know that she was damaged, just waiting for something like this to happen. After all it happened to her mother, like mother like daughter.

Olivia felt her eyes start to pool with tears. Furiously she scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. Shakily she reached for her phone and dialed the now familiar number. The one person who could understand. As she pressed call she felt guilt rise in her. He wasn't the person she was supposed to call. He wasn't supposed to be her saviour, not him. The ringing stopped and she heard the comforting voice on the other end.

"Olivia…"

She paused and took a deep breath.

"Hey Fin, sorry to call you. Are you still at the house?"

"Nah…we left just after you…I'm alone."

"Oh…that's good." She sighed in relief. He wasn't with Elliot, that was good.

"What's up girl…do you need me to come over." Olivia smiled. Who would have thought that just the sound of Fin's voice would be the all the relief she needed.

"No it's okay…I..uh just needed to hear your voice." She laughed nervously. She knew \fin wouldn't mind her calling, he'd had a couple of these calls from her in the last couple of weeks. He never mentioned it when they were at work. He seemed to know what she needed.

"Anytime Liv, you know that. You sure that's all you need?"

"Yeah I'm fine just…" She couldn't go on, she didn't know what she wanted to say.

"I know….it's OK you don't need to say it." Olivia could feel herself beginning to relax. And lay back down on the bed again.

"Thanks Fin, I'm gonna go now. Have an early night yeah?"

"No problem, you call me anytime…for anything."

"I know…and thanks." Olivia hung up the phone. She knew why she was calling Fin and not Elliot. It was Fin's voice that had saved her in that hell hole, he was the one who'd made her feel save again. The minute she'd heard him she known it was over. She was getting out of that prison she could go back to being Olivia Benson. Not Kat. She wasn't going to be raped. He'd had her back and for that she was eternally grateful. He was the only one who knew exactly what had happened down there. The only one who could understand. So why did she feel guilty about calling him and not Elliot?

Fin looked down at his phone after Olivia had hung up. He could feel his insides clenching as the bile rose in his throat. He wished he could help her more but he knew that these phone calls were the closest she'd ever come to letting him. He knew never to mention. This as her secret and he was glad he could help in whatever small way he could. But he was worried. This wasn't Olivia Benson, bad-ass cop. This was Olivia Benson scared, vulnerable woman…and it was his fault. If he'd got to her sooner he could have prevented any of it from happening. She wouldn't need to call him in the middle of the night. He loved this woman as if she was his own flesh and blood and it killed him to see her like this, to even think about what she went through down in that basement.

At first it had seemed like she was handling it. But then he started to get these phone calls and he knew this, Olivia was close to breaking. He wanted to tell someone, he wanted to tell Elliot. He couldn't understand how this man, her partner who knew her better than anyone else couldn't see what was happening right in font of his eyes. Fin could feel his anger rising. Elliot Stabler was an ass hole. So self involved. Olivia had stuck by him, helped him through all the shit, stood by and let him treat her like dirt. But he couldn't pull his head out of his own ass and look at the woman he stood side by side with everyday.

Fin shook his head, he just didn't get it. He needed a drink. He needed a lot of drinks.

Elliot Stabler had a secret. No one knew about his new nightly activities. It wasn't something he was proud of. And it was something that he certainly would never admit to, to anyone. Kathy didn't know. He just told her he was working late. That they had caught a case. By the time he got home, she was long gone. Dead to the world. She no longer woke up when he crawled into bed. He felt no guilt about lying to Kathy about it. He needed this.

He sighed as he rubbed his hands together. It was a cold night. As he felt the air seep into his clothes he couldn't help but feel like this was punishment. He deserved this. He shifted in his seat. The car was uncomfortable but he'd sit it for the entire night if he had to. He looked back up into the apartment above him. He watched as Olivia Benson went into her kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. He noticed she changed her clothes. Gone was the work Olivia and replaced was the woman that Olivia was. Wearing a pair of over-sized men's pyjamas she looked small. As she reached her bedroom he watched as she paused in the doorway before going. He couldn't see in the room. He curtains closed but he could see light peeking out. The light went out and he couldn't see anything now.

Elliot sighed, he sit here another hour and then head home. Just to make sure. Elliot knew she wasn't okay and the guilt he felt from not being the one to have her back in the prison had driving him out here the first night. He'd waited for her to leave the station before him and then come and sat outside her apartment the entire night. He'd come back the next night and the next and before he knew it he'd been there every night. He just couldn't bring himself to leave. She didn't need to know.

Elliot laughed to himself. She'd probably kick his ass if she ever found out. But she never would. He glanced at his watch. It was just after 11 still early. He looked back into the apartment. It was still dark. He sit here for another hour and that was it. He'd go home. Just one more hour.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer...not mine.

AN... A huge thanks to the guys who reviewed the last chapter. I wasn't going to do another but your response has encouraged me. I think it's going to turn into quite a long story and I have a direction I'm going to take it. Hope you enjoy this part. All mistakes are mine. Thanks again...

Guilt part2

Olivia groaned as she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. She was in a rumpled mess on her couch. The blankets were tangled around her legs her body lay half on and half off the cushions. The towel she'd used to wrap around her hair last night was laying over the side of the sofa. She reached her arm across and switched off the alarm. Narrowly missing the half empty glass of red wine sitting on the table in front of her. The empty bottle laying haphazardly on the floor under the couch. 6am. She swung her legs around and sat up cradling her head in her hands. 6am meant that she'd got a total of about three hours uninterrupted sleep. Olivia glanced over at her bedroom. She longed to just crawl into her bed and sleep for 12 hours straight but she new that she couldn't. She had to go to work. She had to force herself to face the squad. Every morning the same. Her insecurities plagued her. She didn't know if she could do this. Function on the few hours of sleep she got a night. This initial waking up period was almost as bad as the dark solitude she felt at night when trying to get asleep. Almost but not quite… Olivia shook her head. She could feel the beginnings of a headache forming. Her skin felt grimy, her tongue heavy in her mouth

"Get up…get up…" Olivia chanted to herself. She repeated the mantra over and over until her own voice started to register and she could hear herself saying the words.

Feeling ridiculous for talking to herself Olivia got up, stumbled into her bathroom and turned on the shower. She set it for cool before stripping off her clothes and stepping in. The cold sent a shock to her system and instantly she felt herself wake up. She felt more alert. In the cold light of day Olivia buried her fears of the night. Holding her face under the cold stream she washed away the previous nights bad dreams. For now she was okay. She could do this she could go to work. She could face all the monsters that plagued her sleep and she would put some of those away. Off the streets so they wouldn't hurt another innocent person. Olivia felt the comforting and familiar persona of Detective Benson take over. She felt clean.

She turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it around her body she walked purposely into her bedroom and reached for her closest doors. She surveyed her clothes and looked at the uniform that she put on everyday. Fitted black trousers and a shirt. Her uniform that made Detective Benson the hardened cop that she was and knew she could be. She glanced at the mirror and took stock of her appearance. She needed to sort out her hair, it looked like she'd been dragged trough a hedge…backwards. Olivia grabbed her brush ran it through the tangled strands feeling it give under her mist rations. Putting down the brush she run her fingers over the silky strands. She was glad that she'd washed it last night and didn't have to bother this morning. She glanced at the hair straighteners on her vanity before deciding that she could probably get away without using them this morning. Instead she reached for her smoothing serum, squeezing a small blob into her hand she smoothed the strands down. A quick application of make up to cover the bags under eyes and she was ready to get dressed.

Olivia headed into her kitchen grabbed her tea. Glancing at her clock she could see it showing 6.30am. Time enough to pour a cup and take it with her. She'd grab something to eat when she got to the station. Grabbing her stuff from the table she clipped her badge on and holstered her gun. Detective Benson left headed out of her apartment without looking back.

Elliot glanced at his watch for the second time in as many minutes and sighed. Kathy and the kids had kept him busy. Eli was teething. He'd forgotten how loud babies could be when they cried. Kathy had been exhausted and he'd felt guilty for all the time he'd been spending away from home recently. Missing so much of his sons life. He'd made a conscious effort to stay home the entire weekend. But it had killed him. He hadn't seen Olivia he hadn't heard from her and he hadn't called her. And now he was sitting at his desk impatiently waiting for the moment that walked in and he could breathe again. To know that she was in front of him. He forced himself to look at his computer to focus on the report he was trying to write. Already he'd been at the station for an hour. He'd been wide awake from 4am. In the end he'd just got up and come into work. It was now 7am and he hadn't written anymore than five words.

Suddenly he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. She was here he could feel her. He could smell her now. That scent that was uniquely Olivia Benson. She walked in front of him and put her stuff down on her desk. He looked up and smiled in relief. He could now smell that horrendous tea that she'd starting drinking since coming back from Oregon. He almost started to panic as he thought about those months when she had disappeared. Elliot let out the breath he hadn't realised he was holding. Every time he thought about that time, after Gitano he found himself breaking out into a cold sweat. But that was past she was here he was here and h=they were still together partners. It was fine.

"Hey…" Elliot smiled at her in greeting. She glanced down at him and gave a small smile back.

"Hey." He watched as she sat down at her desk and started rearranging things.

"How was your weekend?" If he had blinked he would have missed it but he saw her flinch. Just slightly. He eyes narrowing a fraction before returning to normal.

"Fine…how was yours?" Elliot narrowed his eyes in response…something had happened he could feel it. He hadn't been watching and something had happened. Again.

Elliot took a deep breath. He was over reacting just because he hadn't been there didn't mean something had happened to Olivia. She'd been home or out with Casey. Maybe even Simon. Besides she looked okay today. Better than she had before she'd left work last weekend.

"El…?"

He jumped and refocused his eyes. Elliot realised that he'd been sitting there staring at her, not answering her question.

"Yeah…great. Um…Eli's teething, so you know."

Their eyes locked… Olivia looked away first but instead of the dark look that usually accompanied one of their staring contests she had a small but light smile on her face. And then she turned that smile on him and if it was possible it got bigger.

"How is the little man?"

Elliot felt his pride swell when Olivia mentioned his son.

"He's doing great. Got so big I had to go out this weekend just to get him larger clothes. Should never have given Dickie's clothes to charity. Of course never expected a little Eli either…". He trailed off. For some reason Eli's conception was an awkward topic between him and Olivia and Elliot didn't even want to think about why. He saw the smile begin to falter on Olivia's face and had to think really quickly for something to put it back.

"You should come and see him. I'm sure he'd love a chance to see Auntie Livvy again. It's been a while."

Olivia laughed, "Stabler…where do you come up with this shit?" She glanced down at his desk before getting up and heading to the coffee pot. She noticed that he didn't have a mug on his desk but it was covered in open files. Which meant that he'd been here a while but hadn't had a coffee yet. That could only mean one thing and that usually involved some kind of trouble at home.

She heard a rustle from behind her before she felt him come up behind as she poured coffee into his favourite mug.

"Does that mean _Auntie Livvy…_" He emphasised, "Will come visit?" She hid a smile as she turned her back to the coffee and faced him.

"_If_ and I mean this Stabler _if _Eli decides that…" Olivia lowered her voice to a whisper, "Auntie Livvy…" She glanced around the squad room before carrying on, "Is something that he wants to call me that's fine…because he Elliot is cute and adorable and is a baby…all the things you are not." She pushed past him, eyebrow raised, smug smile on her face. "But seriously if you call me that again…especially in front of the rest of the squad I will shoot you and that is no lie."

She turned her back on him once again and sat down at her desk. Grabbing her cup of tea and smiling into it and she headed Elliot cough slightly behind her before he too headed back round and sat at his desk.

"I'd love to visit him Elliot." She watched him smile broadly at her and couldn't help but smile back. Just talking about Eli made her smile. She had been the first one to hold him when he was born. She protected him, kept him warm while the paramedic worked to save Kathy. She felt like she had a special bond with the boy and as he was Elliot's son it just made it that much stronger. It had been a while since she had seen him.

Elliot smiled at her. "Good."

As Elliot looked back at his computer Olivia breathed. She'd successfully managed to detour him from probing more into her weekend.

A noise from across the squad caught her attention and Olivia watched as Fin and Munch walked in. Olivia ducked her head quickly before looking up through lidded eyes. She could see as Fin walked in further, arguing back to something Munch had said before he turned his attention on her. She ducked he head again, lent over and switched on her computer. She could feel his eyes boring into her. Waiting for her to look up. But she didn't, she refused. She couldn't face him right now. Couldn't face the accusation in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Guilt part3

AN Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I'm getting so much inspiration to write this story. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Thanks again!

Fin grabbed his half empty coffee mug and headed over to the machine. He knew that this would have to be his last trip for a while. Already he'd been about 4 times in last hour. But the path to the coffee machine took him past Olivia's desk. He'd been trying vainly all day to catch her eye. But she'd been avoiding him. Looking down at her desk every time he walked past. Engaging Elliot or Munch or Cragen in conversation when it looked like he was going to ask her something. But after what he'd seen this weekend he really needed to talk to her. He knew she had seen him but the look she gave him before she got into the cab was enough to stop him. He wanted to know what the hell she thought she was doing in that part of town, at that time of night, with a guy like that. She was unravelling and there was nothing he could do about it.

Olivia felt more than saw Fin heading toward the coffee pot again. God what was that like the tenth time that hour alone. She knew what he was doing and immediately stood up. She needed out of there. No one else was around. Elliot had gone somewhere with Munch and Cragen was in his office…door shut. She knew that pretending to be busy at her desk wouldn't deter him forever. Ladies room…he'd never follow her in there.

Practically running out of the squad room Olivia fled into the ladies bathroom. Thankfully there wasn't anyone else in there. She went into one of the stalls and locked the door before falling heavily onto the closed toilet seat. She couldn't believe that she had been so stupid. What was she thinking.?

Actually she knew she'd been thinking. She been alone sitting in her apartment with all the lights on, the TV blaring. She wasn't even watching it she'd just needed some noise in the background. Pretending that she wasn't alone and that the shadows weren't making her jump every time she caught one out of the corner of her eye. The wine already giving her a buzz. And then she'd had enough of being alone. She gone into her bedroom and flung open her closet. Found the most provocative outfit she could find without looking like a hooker and headed out into a part of town that she'd thought she wasn't going to run into anyone she knew.

The cab had dropped her off at the first bar she'd seen that was busy. She'd walked in and found herself surrounded by noise. Drunk people leering. The music booming out. It was hot and sweaty and Olivia immediately felt herself relax slightly. She wasn't alone now.

As she headed to the bar she could feel eyes on her. Raking over her body. She knew what vibes she was giving off in the outfit she was wearing but she didn't care. After all she had come here with the sole purpose of not being alone. She didn't want to go back to her apartment where the shadows caused her to flinch. Where she could only sleep in her lounge because her bed reminded her of one in a basement. She needed the feel of a man on her one that she had chosen to be there. Not one who'd handcuffed her…who'd given her no choice.

She shook her head and leant over the bar top. The bartender immediately came over to her. A tall muscular looking man, couldn't have been older than his late twenties. He shouted at her over the noise.

"What can I get you?" He smiled and winked at her and Olivia found her self smiling slyly back.

"Black label…neat." He raised and eyebrow at her.

"Just the one?" She tensed slightly but then relaxed. She wasn't a cop here. Just because she was drinking alone didn't mean that something bad was going to happen. It didn't mean that he thought she was vulnerable. It didn't mean that she had to think that either.

She plastered a confident smile on her face and leant closer. "Yep just the one." She watched as he turned to pour the drink. Out of habit or ingrained training she made sure she kept her eyes on his hands at all times.

He turned back to her and placed the drink in front of her Olivia slid hr hand into hr purse and stuck a few notes on the bar top. "Thanks." She didn't wait for change instead turned round and surveyed the patrons.

Taking a sip of her drink she let the whiskey fall into her mouth, enjoying the pleasant burn at the back of her throat. It warmed her and she could feel her skin start to flush. She caught the eye of a man sitting at a table across the bar. He was wearing a suit but the tie was loosened. He looked directly at her before lifting his glass in mock salute. She returned the gesture before letting her eyes move on. There were plenty of men in here tonight and Olivia felt heat pool in her belly at the thought that she would be going home with one of them. She lifted the glass to her mouth and down the rest of the drink before turning back to the bar to order another one.

A noise from outside the stall shocked Olivia back into reality. She thought that she was going be sick. She could hear voices as two women made their way into the bathroom. She couldn't hear what they were saying with the blood rushing to her head. She put her heads into her hands and took deep breathes in order to keep the queasy feeling at bay. In a few moments her head cleared and she could feel her stomach start to settle.

She needed to get out of there. She didn't even realise how long she'd been in there. Olivia stood up and flushed the toilet before leaving the stool. As she walked out she recognised the two women standing at the mirror. Not wanting to be rude she nodded her greeting to the ladies as she washed her hands before checking her appearance in the mirror. Just a cursory look to make sure Detective Benson was still there and there was no traces of Olivia. She walked to the door and prayed that Fin hadn't followed her and wasn't waiting for her the other side. She opened the door and walked purposely out before hitting straight into a solid mess. Strong hands grabbed her arms to stop her falling down. She looked up and straight into the eyes of Elliot.

"Jesus Elliot…"

Elliot let go of her arms as he watched Olivia straighten herself out.

"Sorry Liv…wanna watch where you're going next time." He watched her eyes flashed.

"I'm not the one hanging around outside the women's bathroom…" Elliot smirked as he watched Olivia raise a perfectly shaped eyebrow at him. "What are you doing?"

He smiled at her. "Waiting for you actually." He paused before carrying on. Her eyes darkened as she glanced behind him into the corridor that led into the squad before she turned back and looked right at him. He glanced behind him to see what she'd been looking at but couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. "We got a case." Elliot lifted up the folder he was holding. "Fin told me you were in here."

"So you decided to that you needed to hang around outside in case I got lost…" She quirked a smile a smile at him and Elliot smiled back. He wasn't really sure why he'd decided to talk to her here instead of waiting in the squad .

"Something like that…" She rolled her eyes at him and turned to walk into the squad. He followed her in and they each headed toward their own desk. "I'll fill you in on the way."

He leaned over his desk to grab his things and waited while she grabbed hers. He could see Fin watching her with a look of concern. Why was Fin looking at Olivia like. He could see that Olivia was purposely ignoring him. He watched as Fin got up and walked over to her. He could see her shoulders tense slightly.

Fin tapped her shoulder and watched as she slowly turned round to face him. Her eyes blazing.

"Not now!" Fin was taken aback buy the harsh whisper. He glanced at Eliot and could see the man looking at them. He looked confused. Fin couldn't blame him. He let out a breathe before turning back to Olivia. She was right, now wasn't the time. But later when she came back to the squad. If he was still here he was gonna confront her.

"Fine." He said gently. He made sure she could see the determination in his eyes. "Later." he turned back and headed to his own desk. He watched as she glared at him before defiantly lifting her chin and left the squad room , Elliot trailing behind he.; he could see the concern in the mans posture but right now was to angry to care. How could Elliot not see what was going on. He growled slightly under his breathe as he sat back down. His partner Munch looked up from his desk and peered at him.

"What you looking at man?" He locked eyes with the older man before he watched Munch shake his head and mutter something about caffeine and the water system before turning back to his own case file. Fin sighed. If she wouldn't talk to him then Fin was going to take matters into his own hands. She may hate him for it but he couldn't keep watching her self destruct. He was going to talk to Elliot.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N. Ok bit of a change from the previous chapter 4 but it just really wasn't working with this story so I think I'll make it into a story all by itself. Apologies to those who read it, hope this isn't too confusing. Thanks.

Chapter 4

Olivia sighed as she locked her apartment door behind her and leant against the closed door. Slowly she slid down until she could feel the solid floor beneath her. She sighed deeply and ran a shaking hand through her hair. She was finally alone. She could let go of the pretense, she didn't need to hold her self together for anyone. She was tired. Avoiding Fin all day, ignoring Elliot's looks of concern as well as her own thoughts was exhausting. She didn't know how long she could keep it up. The pointed looks she'd been getting from Fin had scared her . She knew she couldn't ignore him forever but she was damn well gonna try. Olivia knew that Elliot had seen Fin staring at her and kept trying to catch her eye. He looked at her all day with a look of concern mixed with confusion. She was worried that he was going to figure it out. She had to try better at hiding her feelings. Elliot could never see her break down.

Olivia looked around her apartment. It was a mess. She needed to clear up but she just didn't have the energy. Right now all she wanted to do was curl up on the floor. She could see the empty bottle of wine under the couch and the half drunk glass on the table….This was what her life had become. Drinking to numb the pain. Sleeping with random men to ease the ache of being alone. She was turning into her mother. She was just the same as her. Olivia felt so ashamed. Her mother was right. She was worthless, no one was ever going to love her. She was used, dirty. The one thing that had stopped her from becoming her mother and been shattered. She was a victim and now no amount of perps she put away was going to change that. Maybe it was fate. She was conceived out of hate. Her mother was abusive, her father was a violent criminal. She really didn't have much hope of ever being normal. The job that she had taken upon herself to do to try and the fight the nightmares had finally turned on her.

For the first time since she'd left the basement Olivia let herself cry. She cried for her mother, she cried for all the victims and she cried for herself.

Elliot looked up from his paperwork and checked his watch. God it was late, later than he had planned on staying but he'd been caught leaving. The captain wanted the paperwork finished on the Hughes case but he didn't want to call Olivia back to help him finish it so he'd finished it himself. Standing up he stretched out his cramped muscles. He felt all the bones down his back clicking. Tonight he felt his age. The lack of sleep over the past few days was finally catching up on him. He grabbed the files and walked into his Captains office. He dumped the files on the desk and headed out. He switched off his computer and grabbed his coat. He'd already called Kathy and told her he'd been caught up at work. She wasn't expecting him home tonight so he was free to go to Olivia's.

He couldn't take it anymore. He watched her all day as she had avoided Fin. Something was going on between the two of them and he needed to find out what it was. He was going to confront her tonight. He couldn't help but feel like he was losing her. And he couldn't not again.

Elliot stood by the elevator and pressed the button for down just as the doors opened. Elliot was surprised to see Fin staring back at him.

"Hey Fin, what ya still doing here? Thought you and Munch left." Elliot noticed that Fin was looking extremely uncomfortable. He knew Fin's demeanour was rarely something light but this was different. He looked lost.

Fin had got as far as the bar down the road and downed a few shots before deciding to head back to the station. He'd been hoping to catch Elliot before he left. He knew he had to talk to him about Olivia. She'd avoided him all day. He knew she was embarrassed by what he'd seen and so was he but she needed someone and as much as he wished it was him he knew he wasn't what or who she needed right now. She would kill him but enough was enough. If she wasn't going to he was going to tell Elliot himself. The man needed to be there for his partner whether she wanted him or not.

Fin took a deep breath. "Yeah Elliot, look man I need to talk to you about something." Elliot tried to move past Fin into the elevator but Fin stood in front of him.

"Look I was just heading out. Can it wait till tomorrow?" That was enough. Fin was fed up with Elliot's behaviour. He was a selfish bastard and he was done placating him. He grabbed Elliot's arm and felt the man tense under him.

"No it can't wait. It's about Olivia and you are gonna listen." Fin watched something in Elliot's shift. The anger slid over the mans face. Before Fin knew what was happening he was up against the all in the lift. Elliot's arm at his throat.

"What have you done to her. I swear to god if you've hurt her I will kill you!"

Fin pushed back and grabbed Elliot in a head lock.

"Fuck you Stabler try looking in a mirror once in a while. If it wasn't for Liv I would fucking pound you right now but as much as it pains me I need you. So you're gonna listen." Fin squeezed his arm tighter round Elliot's throat. He could feel Elliot trying to struggle out his grip but Fin knew a thing or two about subduing, even people as big and angry as Elliot Stabler. He hadn't worked narcotics all those years without learning a thing or two.

"Fuck you Fin. What did you do? "

"Jesus Stabler. Have you even seen her lately. Do you even have a fucking clue what's going on? She's hurting man and where have you been? It's not me that's hurt her. I've been trying to help her." Fin felt Elliot stop struggling.

"What do you know?"

"If I let you go you gonna be sensible or you gonna be a dick?"

"Let me the fuck up Fin." Fin released him but kept his hands up. Elliot shook himself down and turn to Fin. Fire blazing in his eyes. "I said what the FUCK do you know?" Fin relaxed his arms and reached for the elevator button for the basement.

"Not here. You and me we're gonna take a walk."

"Don't dick me around Fin, if you know something you better tell me."

"I'm gonna tell you but I'm not doing it here. We need somewhere more private and in the middle of the station is not my idea of private." The lift stopped and the bottom floor and Fin led Elliot out first. "You're driving."

Elliot gave Fin a dark look and headed to his car. "Where am I going?"

Fin paused and stared at Elliot's back. "We're going to Liv's." He watched as Elliot stopped walking. He threw a glance over his shoulder at Fin, suspicion written all over his face before he turned back and started walking to his car. Fin wasn't sure but he could have sworn he heard Elliot mutter 'That's where I was going anyway.'

The drive to Olivia was silent. Fin refused to answer any of Elliot's questions. He could feel the mans rage rolling off him in waves. As they drove closer to Olivia's Fin felt hi stomach clench. Was he doing the right thing. Should he tell Elliot before he got there. He wanted Olivia to tell him.

"I've been here."

Elliot pulled the car up in front of Olivia building. He glanced up at her apartment. The lights were on but the curtains were shut. He could see movement from inside. He knew she was in there. He looked at Fin and saw him staring at him.

"You asked earlier where I've been…I've been here. Almost every night for the past month. I just sit here. I can't go up there. I don't know what's wrong. I hoped that she would come to me but she hasn't. I was gonna confront her tonight. This is where I was going."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"I want to help her but if I don't know what's wrong how can I?"

Elliot saw the resolve on Fin's face. "Well you're gonna find out tonight." Before Elliot could say anything Fin was out of the car and heading towards Olivia's building. Elliot rushed after him. He was finally gonna get some answers.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N. Sorry it's been so long. Hope it's worth the wait. Completely unbetaed so all mistakes are mine. Thanks and enjoy.

Chapter 5

Olivia felt the vibrations from the banging on the door before she even registered the noise itself. She looked at her watch and realised that she'd been sitting where she landed for about two hours. Her eyes felt swollen and puffy from her tears and she had a massive headache. The kind that just sit behind your eyes feeling like there is a pressure building up, ready to push her eyeballs out of their sockets. The pounding on her door wasn't helping. She felt panic rising from her chest. There were only a couple of people who would be outside her door at this time of night and none of them were people she wanted to see.

Olivia kept very still, if she didn't move, make a sound then whoever was out there would leave. Her lights weren't on.

The banging stopped and Olivia let out the breath she didn't even realise she was holding. Slowly she pushed herself up from the floor. Her muscles protesting after being stuck in the same position for such a long time. She'd decided to head towards her bathroom when she heard it. A key in the lock. Only one other person had both the spare key and the balls to use it. She was frozen in place. If Elliot was using his key it must mean something bad. The only time he'd ever used it before was after the crash when Eli had almost died and she'd passed out on the couch after taking some pretty serious painkillers. He'd been knocking for about ten minutes before he decided that something bad had happened. He'd woken her up and practically yelled at her. His words…"Being as stubborn as you are I knew you hadn't been checked out at the hospital…and I was worried…about you…because you're stubborn." And now he was using it again. The lock clicked and Olivia watched helplessly as the door swung open in front if her.

Elliot pushed open the door hesitantly. He wasn't sure if Olivia was awake and ignoring them, in the shower or even asleep and he didn't want to scare her. He knew she was home and when she didn't answer the door he started to worry. Normally Olivia, even if she didn't want to see him, would open the door. She'd tell him where to go but she'd still open the door. The last time she didn't he'd panicked so much that he'd let himself in, seen her not moving on her sofa and for a moment he thought she'd died. His heart had frozen in his chest as he'd run to her. Feeling for a pulse, finding one and then becoming so angry that she'd scared him that he'd grabbed her by the arms and shaken her till he saw he eyes open. And then he'd yelled. She had looked at him with drug glazed eyes but hadn't said anything. She'd just let him shout at her until he'd grown tired. He'd left without saying anything else and they'd never spoken about it again. She'd been okay then but that didn't stop him from worrying now. After the extremely cryptic way Fin had been acting, and Olivia himself he knew he had to get in there.

Elliot wasn't sure exactly what he was expecting to see when he flipped the switch on in her apartment but Olivia standing frozen looking like a deer caught in the headlights was not it. She looked skittish, as if she would bolt with the slightest movement from him. He felt a push at on his back. Elliot had completely forgotten that Fin was with him. Moving slightly over he let Fin push past him and it seemed to break whatever spell had held him and Olivia. He watched her and the minute she clocked Fin in the room her eyes widened even further and she looked terrified. Elliot and Fin looked at each other before moving as one further into the room, unconsciously moving slowly so as not to startle her further.

Olivia reached up with a shaky hand and pushed her messy hair out of her face. Her eyes once again locking with his allowing him to see a depth a pain that he'd never seen before. It was a look he was not unfamiliar with. He'd seen it everyday-in victims. Elliot's heart stopped, sweat formed on his brow. This couldn't be true. Not Olivia.

Fin looked between Olivia and Elliot. Their eyes seemed to be looked in some kind of unbreakable stare. He took the moment to glance around Olivia's apartment. Although he'd never actually been inside before he knew that this wasn't remotely how she lived. There were empty glasses, half filled glasses, bottles scattered around. It looked as if she'd been sleeping on her sofa . There were pillows strewn around and there was a blanket dropped haphazardly half on and half off the couch. Coffee cups pilled up in the sink but there were no plates. It looked like she'd been surviving purely on caffeine and alcohol. It was worse than he'd imagined. She wasn't breaking, she was already broken. That was the last straw for him. She was gonna get help whether she wanted it or not. Fin had had his own experiences with PTSD. He knew the signs and he knew when it had gone further than one person could handle by themselves. He was glad he'd come her with Elliot tonight. As much as he hated the bastard at times, as much as he thought he was a self indulgent arrogant arse this being thrown in his face he could no longer remain ignorant. Fin would make sure of it. But he also knew that the minute Elliot looked around and noticed the state of Olivia's apartment that he wouldn't be needed anymore.

He looked back at the other two. Their eyes still locked in a what looked like a heated battle of wills but he could see in Elliot's water beginning to fill them. And in that instance he knew he finally understood.

"Stabler, hey Stabler."

His voice broke the gaze and two pairs of eyes swung towards and settled on him. One filled with tears and shock and the other with fear and panic. Fin knew tonight was going to be a hard night for the both of them but he knew that it was something they both needed. Fin turned and stared directly at Elliot.

"I'm gonna go now. You got this?"

"Yeah…" It seemed to Fin that that was all Elliot was capable of saying at that moment but it was enough for Fin to trust him. Fin looked at Olivia. Betrayal written all over her face. He had broken the trust she had in him but he would do it again if it meant that she could be saved.

"Talk to him Olivia - tell him everything." Fin pointedly looked around the room. "You need to." He knew he didn't need to say anymore. She may hate him but he hoped in time that she would understand and forgive him.

He walked to the still open door. He could feel Olivia's eyes still on him but Elliot's had turned to survey the room. Fin reached the door and grasped it in his hand. He took one last look at Olivia before turning and closing the door behind him.

Olivia felt like her feet were stuck to the floor. She couldn't take her eyes off the door. She could see out of the corner of her eye Elliot walking further into her living space. This was bad…this was very bad. He was a detective, and he was Elliot. He was going to get the truth out of her before the night was out she had no doubt of this. She needed a plan. He couldn't find out. He would hate her. She couldn't bare to see the disappointment in his eyes when he realised that he'd been right all along. Every hateful word that he'd thrown at her during the Gitano case he'd been justified in saying. She had needed rescuing and he couldn't be there so she'd got hurt. She couldn't do her job without him. How could he ever trust her to watch his back ever again. He'd seen right through her to a place that she didn't even know existed.

She wanted to bolt from the room and just run. She didn't know where she'd run to just somewhere far enough so that she would have to look at him.

So caught up in her panicked thoughts that she jumped hard when his hand grasped her arm to swing her round to face him. She kept her eyes trained on the floor.

"Olivia, we need to talk."


End file.
